Irish temper flaring....

I finally did it. I stood up for myself!

I got a call from my landlord this morning saying that basically she was "disappointed" that I went on vacation....REALLY!! What? Seems like after all of the "hurry up and wait" I have been doing to try and get this house stuff in order is not working for her. I got an earful this morning about me not moving at the appropriate speed.

When the time comes that I have control over the speed and way other people do things...my life will be much happier. I can only make a bank process paperwork so quickly. I can't make people return my phone calls and i am certainly not purchasing something as huge as a house unless it is inspected.

Threats...ya, those don't work. You tell me that if I don't sign paperwork by mid week you are putting the house on the market. GO FOR IT! Pushing is not the way to get me to do things. She hasn't even completely moved all of her crap out!!! Which was a fact I was finally able to point out.

I'm thrilled I told her in no uncertain terms to BACK OFF! Let me tell you....I couldn't be happier. This woman has been giving me the runaround since I moved in here....that felt damn good! If this ruins my ability to get this house. I'm fine with that. I'm done letting her push me around! I can live peacefully with my decision and now have the gut feeling that this is going to get very messy from here.....

More to come as the story unfolds.....

Freakout moment...

So I talked to the bank about the house and filled out the paperwork for the pre approval. I am "conditionally approved" basically I look good on paper. Excellent! Step in the right direction!

............maybe.


Is this what I really want? Am I ready to actually settle down? It's kind of weird doing this all alone this time. In the same thought; it's mine. All mine. No one is going to fight me out of this house. If this gets fucked up...I did it. No one else. Gulp!

At least I can get rid of the deck of death and the stinky carpet soon!!!

Optimistically Cautious....

Ok, I admit it. I'm a bit freaked out. I'm not exactly a glass half empty person but I am aware that if dropped...glass breaks! A realist of sorts. I weigh the options. Plan out the worst case scenario. I gave the whole jumping in thing a try a couple months back and it blew up in my face.

Fast forward to now. Got the pieces back together and headed back out. Feeling a bit braver and looking for greatness. "Take a few new risks" I say. At least I can have a few hilarious stories for the blog. I usually have the best ones about my run ins with guys. I have met some rather interesting folks in my pursuit of "someone".

Brief recap: there was the emotionally unavailable train wreck I was seeing when I moved to Boston. Great guy but some girl broke him. That was a whole lot of fun.... Then I give online dating a try. What the heck else do you do in a new town when you don't know anyone? There was the socially retarded writer that took me all of three minutes to want to actually consider a bathroom window escape. SPEAK! Use your words! I can talk to myself at home! Then was the guy who liked my shoes more than me....hummm. Really? Some day he's going to wake up and realize just how great other guys are and will live happily ever after. He actually out witted me and got me to go out with him for a second date. He used reason against me. I can be such a sucker for a challenge. Next, I met the jobless, functional alcoholic. Breaking up with him was like trying to nail jello to a tree! A couple meaningless flings and a few false starts later and I'm back to looking.....

I made the decision that dating with in "the group" is not the best idea. When it fizzles you are kind of stuck with that person. I am done with the awkward silences. The "what's going on with those two" whispers. Here I am back in the online dating thing. I was expecting a few bad dates. Some "quiet" evenings. Some dirty old men looking for a thirty something by pretending to be at least a decade younger.....Here's the weird part. I met a, dare I say, quality person. Not a hundred percent this is the guy for me, but a normal person. Job, car, house, looks, personality, responsible, and actually understands and shares my sense of humor? Really? Who would have thunk? Certainly not me.....

Oh no, I'm not quite done yet! The job situation is getting weirder. I was offered a job today. That in itself is a story for another day (and perhaps a continuing saga). I did mostly turn the job down based on the fact that it was a start up company. The man had big dreams. I give him credit but I just don't know if I can go along for the ride. We may work out a freelance option but I have to give this one some more thought. Looking through my portfolio again today and giving the same schpeel again makes me miss designing so much. I was damn good at my job. I'm not very cocky about much but this I can't help myself. I miss the adrenaline of the sale. I think half of the fun today was selling this guy on hiring me.

I'm sitting here on the couch trying to process all of this and figure out what I want to do and the phone rings. Oh yes, there is more to my day! My landlord is on the phone. Seems as though all of the stress she has been causing me about this house, well, she has changed her mind! WOW! She and I had an agreement when I moved in that I was going to buy this house. I had a budget. She agreed. Then she decided to raise the price 30K. There went that plan. Today~she calls and offers me the house for the original price and she wants to get the paperwork under way the beginning of the week.

I could be wrong but I think my brain might just explode. Can I have this much happiness going on all at the same time? Good Luck getting to sleep tonight......

A woman's right to shoes.....

I have been thinking about this blog a lot lately. I want to write but I have no "theme" no inspiration. Does a blog really need a theme? No, not really. Maybe it's just my OCD kicking in again. I need organization. A clear path. Some way to form my thoughts. Then one night while half paying attention it came to me. Carrie Bradshaw is a genius! I usually end up turning on the tv at around 11 in my room and falling asleep to it. This night, for some reason or another I am wide awake and all I can find amusement in is an old episode of Sex and the City. One line. In one show. Could that really be what I was after?

"The fact is, sometimes it's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes. That's why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun."

Nothing has ever made more sense. Combine my love of shoes with a life's lesson. Hummmm. Who woulda thought? It is very hard to be a single woman in your early thirties without even the prospect of that changing anytime soon. I do silly and frivolous things in hopes that they will bring me some joy. Most often they make no sense to anyone but me. Honestly....I don't care!

It is time to take some chances. Get out there and be a little selfish. I can't complain about my life not being the way I want it. That just means I'm not trying hard enough! I think this blog has found its direction. I'm getting out there...I'm going to be doing stuff. Silly stuff. And you all get to come along for the ride.

Hold on. It may get a little bumpy!

yesterday I drank tea....

I hate tea. A lot. It smells wonderful. People always tell me what wonderful healing powers it has. To me...it tastes like bath water. Why anyone would chose to put something that tastes like that in their mouth is beyond me (insert disgusting joke here)

The winter doldrums have definitely gotten a full hold on me. I am cold (the reason for the tea), tired, getting sick for what feels like the hundredth time. My skin is dry and so pale I am giving the Irish a bad name, even my freckles have gone into hibernation! My hair feels like straw.....what am I doing in New England? When do I leave for vacation? Why am I not lying on the beach as I type?

Fridays come and all I want to do is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. Why is it this is the day everyone wants to head out to "play"? Fridays at five I revert to the dangerous pre-caffeine version of myself. Can I rally and head out into the world...yes. Is it always the best idea....NO. This is usually when I do the best job of putting my foot in my mouth. Exhaustion is far worse than a couple of drinks for me. Combine them.....LOOK OUT!

I have been writing here a bunch in the past two weeks. Please notice that you see no entries. I have been noticing that even my overall attitude is grouchier than usual (insert gasps from holding back the inevitable snide comment). "If you have nothing nice to say~don't say anything at all" I have remained very quiet.

There is this rumor that spring is right around the corner. I think it needs a map and a good pair of running shoes. This is getting ridiculous. Snow? Again? Have we not endured enough? I think I will sit back, hold my delicious smelling mug of apple cinnamon tea and wait for some sunshine, perhaps a glimmer of grass and 60 degree temperatures before commenting on the world and how I see it........

Until then....stay warm =)

He really meant well.....

I had a bit of an internal giggle today. I was unable to answer calls today at the office due to...get this.....a computer problem. For those who don't get the irony here, I work in a tech support department. So basically my mind was free to wander for the greater part of the day. I was reflecting a bit on the movie I saw on Sunday, "He's just not that into you". I can only equate the feeling this movie gave me to a scene from "Swingers" where Mikey calls a girl who's number he just gotten a few hours earlier. He calls.....and calls....and calls...... Basically the feeling of oh god make it stop.

There were parts in this movie that made me laugh and there were parts that I could really relate to. One of those was the scene where the wife got so pissed she ripped a mirror off the wall and threw it on the floor. Then less than 30 seconds later, without even having the chance to enjoy the release, she had the broom and dust pan in her hand cleaning up the mess. Yep, that's me alright. I did the exact same thing with a nicely framed engagement photo that was once hanging in my home. Hit a bit too close to home I guess. In another part of the movie Beth, is getting fitted for her dress to be in her sisters wedding. At some point in the hole digging, her sister realizes she is inadvertently insulting her about her newly single status and how it would be fine if she remained that way. So this leads me, in a rather long and drawn out way, to this next blog entry.

I guess if I was ever asked who knows me best I would say it would be my dad. He and I are definitely cut from the same mold. I find it funny when I am introduced to people and I am standing near my mom people always say, "Wow, you look so much like your mother" But then when they see me next to my dad and I open my mouth, there is no denying who's kid I am! I think the jury is still out on if this is a good thing. Ever since I was little my mom would dress me up in the cutest outfits with my hair all done up and send me out to play. I would then proceed to get myself into all kinds of trouble. Get stuck in a tree I apparently never should have been climbing. "Borrowing" materials to build our tree house (and my dad's tools-some things never change).

It's like we share a secret language. Most of which involves swearing at inanimate objects. My mom always yells at us for the way we "communicate" but we understand. It just is how we do things. We get loud. We loose our temper. We get it out and get over it. We are Irish.....I'm not sure what part of that she doesn't understand! Since as far back as I can remember my dad has always loved to teach me things and I love to learn. He was a teacher so I guess it just came naturally. He taught me how to play baseball most likely before I could walk. He has taught me so much about woodworking, art, tools and building, basic auto maintenance, even how to drive (thank god~if you have seen my mom drive) and the basic ability to look at something and figure out how it works. I am curious by genetics.

On this particular day I called my dad. We talk a lot. He's now retired and I know if I call during the day he actually gets to answer the phone. I cannot figure out how we got on the subject exactly, because as far as my parents are concerned, I have done no dating since living in Boston. I have learned, don't get them excited about someone who will most likely not be around very long. We started talking about my past relationships and how complete and utter failures the long term ones were. And here it comes....."Would it really be so bad if you never got married? Would you be any less happy and fulfilled?" Wow dad...thanks! I know he meant well. He raised me to be the way I am. At the same time he does know that I am looking for my perfect match. Though at this point, I'm not holding my breath. Yes, I admit. I am very happy person. I am painfully independent, self reliant and stubborn....why am I single again??? But the point is, he knows me. I can take care of myself. Always have, always will. The minute a guy in my life tries to "take care of me" I tend to revolt against it. I'm looking for a partner. Not a parent.

The most frustrating parts of being single usually are the moments when I completely loose it over a jar of salsa I can't seem to get open or a huge piece of furniture I feel the unrelenting need to move right that instant. It has nothing to do with being alone. I actually enjoy being alone. I hate having to "check in" when I want to go do something or loose track of time because I was off doing something only I would find interesting. I guess it is that feeling that you have one person you can always depend on. Would I be ok with being single forever?.....ya sure, but really not what I am after. It's going to take a hell of a tough guy to understand and except me for who I was raised to be.

Thank You Dad!

Karma Cameleon

My grandmother used to say something that I never really understood until a few years ago. "Be careful what you wish for, you may just get it". The circumstances that caused me to leave my design job in CT were ones that left me hoping for the day karma would be the judge of what was right and what was wrong.

Sometimes in life if you are patient, you will get to see karma happen. Other times you aren't that lucky, you just have to hope that people get what they deserve. Other times you are left scratching your head thinking "did I actually deserve that?" In the past few months I have gotten to actually see closure to some of the things that had felt unresolved. It may sound paranoid for those of you who did not actually see the story unfold but I was actually sabotaged by a co-worker. I was hoping for the day his true colors would come out and the rest of the world would see what he was truly made of. He was a volatile and spiteful man who would fight his way to success at the expense of others. When I got that call back in December it was the happiest day I can remember. I can honestly say, though it may seem selfish, bitter, angry and all other kinds of negative things, I was glad to see that his true character had been seen and that the punishment had been just. I now feel at peace.

Now I am faced with another bit of what I am affectionately calling "insta-karma". Usually things don't happen so quickly and so efficiently. Within a weeks time justice was served. But now I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I know I should be happy. One person had caused so much deliberate hurt among people who cared about him. Does he not deserve the result of his actions?

"Be careful what you ask for"...... I think this is my problem. I started this. It was my decision that made everything go pear shaped. If I had I not said anything, someone I have grown to have great respect for would be obliviously happy, one would have gotten away with the "perfect crime".....and me? I'm not sure. I know unhappy would have been on the list. I would have maintained a friend but a friend that thought lying to me and to someone he supposedly cared about was the right thing to do. I guess that is not a true friend. That same "friend" tried very hard to make me look like a fool and a bit of an electronic genius! I am guessing no matter what I decided I would never really trust him again and therefor the friendship was over. A huge part of me doesn't think this is the closure to the situation I was hoping for. Even when people get what they deserve, I am always left wondering "why?"

I guess because this was all so sudden and final my brain hasn't had a chance to think about the overall effect. I will say that I am a bit disappointed. I am always surprised when people aren't who I thought they were or who they said they were. I have been told that I believe a bit too much in the basic good of people. I am too trusting. I guess I can't help it. If I dwell on all of the bad experiences and the pain people I cared about have caused me I would never take risks. I would never get to know new people and there are currently so many people in my life that don't realize just how important they are to me. That alone is worth this risk. I will miss some of the good times I had with this friend, miss the potential for more and try not to harbor any ill will. I want to be able to look back and smile not look back in anger. Karma has done all that needed to be done.