So here I am finding the need to be expressive. In the past couple of days I have learned a lot about myself. Mostly, when I have something to say...I just have to get it out there. So this is the name of my new blog.
I have been told on more than one occasion that I should hit the road on a comedy tour. I was also asked if I had given any though to writing. Hummmm.... Maybe this is just what I needed? I promise, this will get funny. Not at the moment though. That's just not where the past few weeks have left me. I guess the bizarre things that happen around me, to me or that I manage to get myself into are just hilarious or that I try to find humor in everything to avoid loosing my mind. My latest adventure is one of......I fight to not use the word "epic" proportions... but it is really the best word for the situation. So this lesson as I am going to, from now on, refer to as the "event" is not one based on the hilarious nature of life, just the basis for which I am starting to blog.
I often pride myself in being outspoken. That is a bit of a double edge sword. As much as I am blunt, I can sometimes be harsh in my truths. I have been putting a real effort into saying things in a manner that will not leave the mental image of comic strip "pealing tires" in my head. Basically said: I'm really trying not to piss people off. I seem to be failing in this new character building exercise because in this attempt I am actually loosing the ability to communicate. I am, far too often, leaving people scratching their heads saying "What the hell was that girl trying to say? I want that 5 minutes of my life back!"
So in this "event" I got myself, unknowingly, in the middle of two people. I will refrain from details because that is not the relevant information here. The interesting portion, or the part that made me pay closer attention to myself is that while trying to do the right thing and confess my sins, I had sugar coated the things I didn't want to say so much that my point never actually got out there! Where is it that "I" have gone? I guess I need to get back out the "bitch boots" to go along with the "big girl pants" I was told I needed. (Yes Patty, this one's for you=) Have I gone soft in my old age? Have I been beaten down so much that I am afraid to say what needs to be said? Hurmph....not liking this so much.
Something else that I knew about myself but had not actually seen in full force in quite sometime...I am extremely defensive when it comes to my honesty. If I am being called a liar to my face, I will fight to the death to prove that what I am saying is the truth. At the very least the truth as I see it. There are two sides to every story, but when hard facts are involved, no matter how bad telling the truth may make me look, I will tell it. It is much easier to beg for forgiveness when screwing up than it is to get caught in a lie. I treat honesty as a sign of friendship. I once read and now live by "I'm not sure what hurts the most; being lied to or knowing you weren't worth enough to be told the truth" The ability to admit when you have screwed up is is truest and most wonderfully humbling experiences and shows a true vulnerability and openness in a relationship. Oh crap...I have gone soft.....
In this incident it was not the outcome that so much mattered to me. I was truly the idiot that got herself stuck smack in the middle. It was more that I was told if I was believed, that "X" would happen. My curiosity for knowing if or not "X" happened was based on my need to be believed. It is entirely possible I got a little carried away by the end......
In an effort to not need people to buy a map, a compass, a full set of cliff notes and a box of bread crumbs (just incase) I will now try harder to be clear AND polite...crap...now it is in writing...I think I may be in trouble here ;)
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