The smell of low tide....

I know I said there would be more blogs about me and my trusty side kick. It seems as though she had other plans. My heart hurts more than I thought it would.

Yesterday at about 10 am Dazie past away. It was quick. If she ever felt any pain, she never gave me any clues. She was always the most happy dog I had ever seen. So now, I'm going to tell you the story of the little girl who saved my life.....

In January of 2007 when my life had fallen apart around me and I was sad all of the time I decided I needed someone to share my life with. I had spent a bit over a year with an ex-boyfriends dog and was missing that fuzzy element in my life. I must have seen 6 dogs while waiting to hear back about Dazie. At the time she was called "Peaches" (Who does that to a dog) Her cute little face. I fell in love with her just in a picture. When I finally heard from the folks at the rescue shelter that had her I knew she would be the girl for me. We made an appointment for a home visit on a Saturday morning. From the moment she got to my house, she never left. She was mine and I was hers.

I know I have said time and time again that I don't like children but I can relate. She came to me a scarred little girl. Someone had beaten and starved her to a tiny 55 lbs. She would barely let anyone touch her. It was a rough first few months. If you were one of the few who heard that heartbreaking squeal when she was scared you would know instantly she had been through something awful. I spent our time together trying to teach her that there were good people in the world. People who would love her. Spoil her. Play with her. Be kind and not scary. She had never played before. She had no idea what to do with toys. It took a bit, but at least at one point she would chase a ball and jump on it like she had found something great. She had an inner soccer player I think. No way was she putting that ball in her mouth. Not my girl. Only when she wanted to lie down and chew on it.

She wouldn't bark. At all. It was not until 6 months in that a fire truck drive by my house and she let out this Chewbacka wail that I knew she had it in her. From that point on I was going to teach this dog to bark! And I did. She and I would chase each other around the house, playing hide and seek barking at each other.

By the time she passed on, strangers could walk up to her and pet her. She was a completely different girl than the one I had met just a few years earlier. Without her, my life would have taken a very different path. There were days that I had to fight just to get out of bed and I did it for her. I knew she needed me so come hell or high water I would make her live better than it was. She was getting everything she deserved. No dog should ever feel like the qualities that make them dogs are wrong. Dogs should bark and run and play. That is what they do! My girl was never allowed to do that. I am glad to know that the years I had her with me she got to be a dog. I very spoiled dog and a member of my family. Though I do not live near my parents she was a member of their family as well. My dad had built her a step stool and a bench seat for riding around in his truck. When it was Grampa time with Dazie, she went everywhere with him. She even went into a doctors office with him! She instantly had the heart of anyone who met her.

It is hard to sit here, on "her couch" under "her blanket" and have there not be any fur on it. I keep looking up and expecting to see her. Just pouring coffee this morning made me burst into tears. Typically I would prop open the back door to let her roam the yard, grab the coffee and wander around the yard with her. I will miss her stinky low tide breath waking me up in the morning. It was tough sleeping last night and actually having space in my bed. It was "her bed" I was just allowed to borrow a corner.

As much as I will miss her. I am glad she did not suffer. The vet seamed to think she had an undiagnosed heart condition. I like to think that her heart was just too big fer her chest. I know that dogs are not deep and intellectual and quite frankly neither am I, but if she had deep thoughts I'm sure she knew that I was ready to let her go. I too have come along way. She knew I would not be alone anymore. I have the life I always wanted and I would keep on living it. I have the love and support of my family and great friends that will keep me going.

Dazie, you were my guardian angel. I wish I could have done more for you. Had I known yesterday was your last day I surely would have given you my pizza you were begging for. But then again, you knew that. I will always love you my sweet little girl. Rest in peace.

Leather pants and beer.....

To be honest, I'm surprised I slept at all last night. I usually don't when I'm upset or anxious about something. The night before Opening Day at Fenway, I didn't sleep a wink!

As anyone who reads my silly little blog, you have to realize it is what I claim it to be and nothing more. It's an open forum to vent and get things off my chest. Depending on the situation, just talking about it makes me feel better.

That is why what happened hurts so much. Someone. The Someone. Is gone. The reason for my semi calm nature during this whole house buying experience is no longer part of my life. It is funny because I am willing off the thought that if we were still speaking I would be telling him of the 7:30 am wake up call of my neighbor having his driveway jack hammered. Yep, you heard me. I thought the house was coming down. I bit of warning would have been nice! Perhaps he would have been here and I could have laughed about it; instead of calling the town to see what ungodly hour construction was allowed to begin here. Calmer heads did not prevail this morning.

Oddly enough it is not really about him. It's about me. (I admit, I threw out the "it's not you it's me" just now) It is more about the how and why and the continuous hurtful nature of the guys I meet. At the bare minimum at least this one didn't lie to me and about me, he just decided to take an opportunity and blame it on booze. I am a silly drunk. Not that it happens all that much. I tend to giggle a lot and do stupid things. Even in my drunkest moments I have never done something that I know would hurt someone else. I guess that people's true personality comes out when they are uninhibited. I honestly thought he was a good guy. It is amazing how one night can ruin it all.

Oh well. Plenty of Fish in the sea.....right?

I have a DATE!

Ha,ha....not that kind of date...a closing date! So much better than boys! Looks like on June 5th I will officially be a homeowner! Then the fun begins! I get to rip things apart, tear down walls, rip up stinky carpet, get rid of morgue lights (those old florescent boxes that make everyone look dead) and some 1976 wood paneling. I'm even trying my hand at some sheet rocking (thank you Steve~I hope you are a patient man)

Yellow laminate countertops will be a thing of the past (oh wait...)

This has been a bit of a rocky road. I feel like all I have been doing lately is eating, sleeping, working and yelling at people. Who knew you had to call a bank every day to get them to take your deposit? It took speaking with a lovely woman while almost in tears to get anyone to listen to me.

It also seemed like every time I actually found the time, energy and good mood to go out....my landlord (the seller) knew. I think she was raining on my parade for sport. I would be dressed and ready to head out to have some much deserved fun and there she was; on the phone or worse....on the porch! I think she is the reason I drink. I know she is the reason I fear going home.

But it looks like it is all starting to pay off. I feel better. Calmer. Like I'm getting somewhere. For the most part, I have done this by myself. While working full time. Think it sounds easy? Try it. I dare you. I have been lucky this time around though. I have someone in my life at the moment that has been a bit of a source of sanity. Someone I can go to when I need advise and can help steer me in the right direction. He has yet to fail me with his advise and recommendations. I have gotten complements from my two best girlfriends when they would ask how things are going....and they often were not going well.....that I was oddly calm. I have someone to blame for that. It has been great. I would have lost my mind. Seriously. Gone.

Thank You Someone. Maybe someday I can repay the favor.

Irish temper flaring....

I finally did it. I stood up for myself!

I got a call from my landlord this morning saying that basically she was "disappointed" that I went on vacation....REALLY!! What? Seems like after all of the "hurry up and wait" I have been doing to try and get this house stuff in order is not working for her. I got an earful this morning about me not moving at the appropriate speed.

When the time comes that I have control over the speed and way other people do things...my life will be much happier. I can only make a bank process paperwork so quickly. I can't make people return my phone calls and i am certainly not purchasing something as huge as a house unless it is inspected.

Threats...ya, those don't work. You tell me that if I don't sign paperwork by mid week you are putting the house on the market. GO FOR IT! Pushing is not the way to get me to do things. She hasn't even completely moved all of her crap out!!! Which was a fact I was finally able to point out.

I'm thrilled I told her in no uncertain terms to BACK OFF! Let me tell you....I couldn't be happier. This woman has been giving me the runaround since I moved in here....that felt damn good! If this ruins my ability to get this house. I'm fine with that. I'm done letting her push me around! I can live peacefully with my decision and now have the gut feeling that this is going to get very messy from here.....

More to come as the story unfolds.....

Freakout moment...

So I talked to the bank about the house and filled out the paperwork for the pre approval. I am "conditionally approved" basically I look good on paper. Excellent! Step in the right direction!

............maybe.


Is this what I really want? Am I ready to actually settle down? It's kind of weird doing this all alone this time. In the same thought; it's mine. All mine. No one is going to fight me out of this house. If this gets fucked up...I did it. No one else. Gulp!

At least I can get rid of the deck of death and the stinky carpet soon!!!

Optimistically Cautious....

Ok, I admit it. I'm a bit freaked out. I'm not exactly a glass half empty person but I am aware that if dropped...glass breaks! A realist of sorts. I weigh the options. Plan out the worst case scenario. I gave the whole jumping in thing a try a couple months back and it blew up in my face.

Fast forward to now. Got the pieces back together and headed back out. Feeling a bit braver and looking for greatness. "Take a few new risks" I say. At least I can have a few hilarious stories for the blog. I usually have the best ones about my run ins with guys. I have met some rather interesting folks in my pursuit of "someone".

Brief recap: there was the emotionally unavailable train wreck I was seeing when I moved to Boston. Great guy but some girl broke him. That was a whole lot of fun.... Then I give online dating a try. What the heck else do you do in a new town when you don't know anyone? There was the socially retarded writer that took me all of three minutes to want to actually consider a bathroom window escape. SPEAK! Use your words! I can talk to myself at home! Then was the guy who liked my shoes more than me....hummm. Really? Some day he's going to wake up and realize just how great other guys are and will live happily ever after. He actually out witted me and got me to go out with him for a second date. He used reason against me. I can be such a sucker for a challenge. Next, I met the jobless, functional alcoholic. Breaking up with him was like trying to nail jello to a tree! A couple meaningless flings and a few false starts later and I'm back to looking.....

I made the decision that dating with in "the group" is not the best idea. When it fizzles you are kind of stuck with that person. I am done with the awkward silences. The "what's going on with those two" whispers. Here I am back in the online dating thing. I was expecting a few bad dates. Some "quiet" evenings. Some dirty old men looking for a thirty something by pretending to be at least a decade younger.....Here's the weird part. I met a, dare I say, quality person. Not a hundred percent this is the guy for me, but a normal person. Job, car, house, looks, personality, responsible, and actually understands and shares my sense of humor? Really? Who would have thunk? Certainly not me.....

Oh no, I'm not quite done yet! The job situation is getting weirder. I was offered a job today. That in itself is a story for another day (and perhaps a continuing saga). I did mostly turn the job down based on the fact that it was a start up company. The man had big dreams. I give him credit but I just don't know if I can go along for the ride. We may work out a freelance option but I have to give this one some more thought. Looking through my portfolio again today and giving the same schpeel again makes me miss designing so much. I was damn good at my job. I'm not very cocky about much but this I can't help myself. I miss the adrenaline of the sale. I think half of the fun today was selling this guy on hiring me.

I'm sitting here on the couch trying to process all of this and figure out what I want to do and the phone rings. Oh yes, there is more to my day! My landlord is on the phone. Seems as though all of the stress she has been causing me about this house, well, she has changed her mind! WOW! She and I had an agreement when I moved in that I was going to buy this house. I had a budget. She agreed. Then she decided to raise the price 30K. There went that plan. Today~she calls and offers me the house for the original price and she wants to get the paperwork under way the beginning of the week.

I could be wrong but I think my brain might just explode. Can I have this much happiness going on all at the same time? Good Luck getting to sleep tonight......

A woman's right to shoes.....

I have been thinking about this blog a lot lately. I want to write but I have no "theme" no inspiration. Does a blog really need a theme? No, not really. Maybe it's just my OCD kicking in again. I need organization. A clear path. Some way to form my thoughts. Then one night while half paying attention it came to me. Carrie Bradshaw is a genius! I usually end up turning on the tv at around 11 in my room and falling asleep to it. This night, for some reason or another I am wide awake and all I can find amusement in is an old episode of Sex and the City. One line. In one show. Could that really be what I was after?

"The fact is, sometimes it's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes. That's why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun."

Nothing has ever made more sense. Combine my love of shoes with a life's lesson. Hummmm. Who woulda thought? It is very hard to be a single woman in your early thirties without even the prospect of that changing anytime soon. I do silly and frivolous things in hopes that they will bring me some joy. Most often they make no sense to anyone but me. Honestly....I don't care!

It is time to take some chances. Get out there and be a little selfish. I can't complain about my life not being the way I want it. That just means I'm not trying hard enough! I think this blog has found its direction. I'm getting out there...I'm going to be doing stuff. Silly stuff. And you all get to come along for the ride.

Hold on. It may get a little bumpy!

yesterday I drank tea....

I hate tea. A lot. It smells wonderful. People always tell me what wonderful healing powers it has. To me...it tastes like bath water. Why anyone would chose to put something that tastes like that in their mouth is beyond me (insert disgusting joke here)

The winter doldrums have definitely gotten a full hold on me. I am cold (the reason for the tea), tired, getting sick for what feels like the hundredth time. My skin is dry and so pale I am giving the Irish a bad name, even my freckles have gone into hibernation! My hair feels like straw.....what am I doing in New England? When do I leave for vacation? Why am I not lying on the beach as I type?

Fridays come and all I want to do is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. Why is it this is the day everyone wants to head out to "play"? Fridays at five I revert to the dangerous pre-caffeine version of myself. Can I rally and head out into the world...yes. Is it always the best idea....NO. This is usually when I do the best job of putting my foot in my mouth. Exhaustion is far worse than a couple of drinks for me. Combine them.....LOOK OUT!

I have been writing here a bunch in the past two weeks. Please notice that you see no entries. I have been noticing that even my overall attitude is grouchier than usual (insert gasps from holding back the inevitable snide comment). "If you have nothing nice to say~don't say anything at all" I have remained very quiet.

There is this rumor that spring is right around the corner. I think it needs a map and a good pair of running shoes. This is getting ridiculous. Snow? Again? Have we not endured enough? I think I will sit back, hold my delicious smelling mug of apple cinnamon tea and wait for some sunshine, perhaps a glimmer of grass and 60 degree temperatures before commenting on the world and how I see it........

Until then....stay warm =)

He really meant well.....

I had a bit of an internal giggle today. I was unable to answer calls today at the office due to...get this.....a computer problem. For those who don't get the irony here, I work in a tech support department. So basically my mind was free to wander for the greater part of the day. I was reflecting a bit on the movie I saw on Sunday, "He's just not that into you". I can only equate the feeling this movie gave me to a scene from "Swingers" where Mikey calls a girl who's number he just gotten a few hours earlier. He calls.....and calls....and calls...... Basically the feeling of oh god make it stop.

There were parts in this movie that made me laugh and there were parts that I could really relate to. One of those was the scene where the wife got so pissed she ripped a mirror off the wall and threw it on the floor. Then less than 30 seconds later, without even having the chance to enjoy the release, she had the broom and dust pan in her hand cleaning up the mess. Yep, that's me alright. I did the exact same thing with a nicely framed engagement photo that was once hanging in my home. Hit a bit too close to home I guess. In another part of the movie Beth, is getting fitted for her dress to be in her sisters wedding. At some point in the hole digging, her sister realizes she is inadvertently insulting her about her newly single status and how it would be fine if she remained that way. So this leads me, in a rather long and drawn out way, to this next blog entry.

I guess if I was ever asked who knows me best I would say it would be my dad. He and I are definitely cut from the same mold. I find it funny when I am introduced to people and I am standing near my mom people always say, "Wow, you look so much like your mother" But then when they see me next to my dad and I open my mouth, there is no denying who's kid I am! I think the jury is still out on if this is a good thing. Ever since I was little my mom would dress me up in the cutest outfits with my hair all done up and send me out to play. I would then proceed to get myself into all kinds of trouble. Get stuck in a tree I apparently never should have been climbing. "Borrowing" materials to build our tree house (and my dad's tools-some things never change).

It's like we share a secret language. Most of which involves swearing at inanimate objects. My mom always yells at us for the way we "communicate" but we understand. It just is how we do things. We get loud. We loose our temper. We get it out and get over it. We are Irish.....I'm not sure what part of that she doesn't understand! Since as far back as I can remember my dad has always loved to teach me things and I love to learn. He was a teacher so I guess it just came naturally. He taught me how to play baseball most likely before I could walk. He has taught me so much about woodworking, art, tools and building, basic auto maintenance, even how to drive (thank god~if you have seen my mom drive) and the basic ability to look at something and figure out how it works. I am curious by genetics.

On this particular day I called my dad. We talk a lot. He's now retired and I know if I call during the day he actually gets to answer the phone. I cannot figure out how we got on the subject exactly, because as far as my parents are concerned, I have done no dating since living in Boston. I have learned, don't get them excited about someone who will most likely not be around very long. We started talking about my past relationships and how complete and utter failures the long term ones were. And here it comes....."Would it really be so bad if you never got married? Would you be any less happy and fulfilled?" Wow dad...thanks! I know he meant well. He raised me to be the way I am. At the same time he does know that I am looking for my perfect match. Though at this point, I'm not holding my breath. Yes, I admit. I am very happy person. I am painfully independent, self reliant and stubborn....why am I single again??? But the point is, he knows me. I can take care of myself. Always have, always will. The minute a guy in my life tries to "take care of me" I tend to revolt against it. I'm looking for a partner. Not a parent.

The most frustrating parts of being single usually are the moments when I completely loose it over a jar of salsa I can't seem to get open or a huge piece of furniture I feel the unrelenting need to move right that instant. It has nothing to do with being alone. I actually enjoy being alone. I hate having to "check in" when I want to go do something or loose track of time because I was off doing something only I would find interesting. I guess it is that feeling that you have one person you can always depend on. Would I be ok with being single forever?.....ya sure, but really not what I am after. It's going to take a hell of a tough guy to understand and except me for who I was raised to be.

Thank You Dad!

Karma Cameleon

My grandmother used to say something that I never really understood until a few years ago. "Be careful what you wish for, you may just get it". The circumstances that caused me to leave my design job in CT were ones that left me hoping for the day karma would be the judge of what was right and what was wrong.

Sometimes in life if you are patient, you will get to see karma happen. Other times you aren't that lucky, you just have to hope that people get what they deserve. Other times you are left scratching your head thinking "did I actually deserve that?" In the past few months I have gotten to actually see closure to some of the things that had felt unresolved. It may sound paranoid for those of you who did not actually see the story unfold but I was actually sabotaged by a co-worker. I was hoping for the day his true colors would come out and the rest of the world would see what he was truly made of. He was a volatile and spiteful man who would fight his way to success at the expense of others. When I got that call back in December it was the happiest day I can remember. I can honestly say, though it may seem selfish, bitter, angry and all other kinds of negative things, I was glad to see that his true character had been seen and that the punishment had been just. I now feel at peace.

Now I am faced with another bit of what I am affectionately calling "insta-karma". Usually things don't happen so quickly and so efficiently. Within a weeks time justice was served. But now I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I know I should be happy. One person had caused so much deliberate hurt among people who cared about him. Does he not deserve the result of his actions?

"Be careful what you ask for"...... I think this is my problem. I started this. It was my decision that made everything go pear shaped. If I had I not said anything, someone I have grown to have great respect for would be obliviously happy, one would have gotten away with the "perfect crime".....and me? I'm not sure. I know unhappy would have been on the list. I would have maintained a friend but a friend that thought lying to me and to someone he supposedly cared about was the right thing to do. I guess that is not a true friend. That same "friend" tried very hard to make me look like a fool and a bit of an electronic genius! I am guessing no matter what I decided I would never really trust him again and therefor the friendship was over. A huge part of me doesn't think this is the closure to the situation I was hoping for. Even when people get what they deserve, I am always left wondering "why?"

I guess because this was all so sudden and final my brain hasn't had a chance to think about the overall effect. I will say that I am a bit disappointed. I am always surprised when people aren't who I thought they were or who they said they were. I have been told that I believe a bit too much in the basic good of people. I am too trusting. I guess I can't help it. If I dwell on all of the bad experiences and the pain people I cared about have caused me I would never take risks. I would never get to know new people and there are currently so many people in my life that don't realize just how important they are to me. That alone is worth this risk. I will miss some of the good times I had with this friend, miss the potential for more and try not to harbor any ill will. I want to be able to look back and smile not look back in anger. Karma has done all that needed to be done.

Walk me through a bowl of cereal.....

I think I am lost. I keep looking at where I thought I'd be at 31 (and a smidgen more) years old. In art school I was so sure I wanted to be a graphic designer. Have a "cool" job designing album covers or something. Find a way to combine my two passions. Wow, what a world it would be. Marry my high school sweetheart and live happily ever after. Now, ten years after graduation I can't even recognize that girl.

I headed out into the real world all bright eyed and eager. I lasted a year and a half as a cube captive in the world of design. At the time I felt a bit important with my 2 am press approvals and what felt like huge amounts of responsibility. The only people I had contact with were vendors on the phone. Right then I realized I couldn't live my life chained to a desk....oddly, they realized the same. And so, I was laid off for the first time.

What to do? Continue on and be miserable or dump 4 years of school and break my parents hearts (in addition to their already pained bank account)? Well I floundered around a bit. Worked a bunch of odd jobs and met the love of my life. Right around that time I figured I'd follow in the family footsteps and head into teaching. Hummm...art teacher. That had a pretty nice ring to it! Being a gluten for punishment I was going to school for my teaching certification, working a job in retail and just then the world kinda went a bit wonky. The getto fab apartment I was living in was repo'd by the bank and we had to move. Jesus! I had just repainted the kitchen! The boyfriend had just moved in!

Again, what to do? I'm not really sure how I got to the point of crazy that I did, but buying a house seemed like a pretty great idea. I was getting tired of moving because all of these landlords couldn't manage their bills! So what started out as a casual perusal of the house listings became an all out search. On a whim my parents were driving by an open house one afternoon and thought they'd stop in. I got a call from my mom "You have got to get over here! You are going to love this place" Can I really live in a place my parents found? Can I make the decision about something this huge with my better half over seas? Buy a house without him ever seeing it? And just then, my life as I know it now was created. We bought the house. It was perfect. We were the typical 20 something couple, spending our weekends at the local Home Depot. One day, while trying to find the humor in our 7th trip that day, he made a joke about us being here so often maybe I should get a job here. I was looking for a new job and hell, if there was an employee discount.....

At my interview my ability to turn on a computer became my greatest asset and so a kitchen designer was born. Two and a half years, two states and two Home Depots later I was hooked! I had finally found my calling. I had all but abandoned by dreams of teaching. Art programs in public schools were being cut and things with the then fiance had gone from bad to worse. Designing at a big box store was not nearly as challenging as I had hoped. I was finally ready for bigger and better things. While living in Rhode Island, I answered an add online for a designer at a design/build firm back in CT. Back to the place I had run from and much of the same things I had left behind. Even stupidly, the same boy. Though things with him failed again, from then on I lived and breathed design. I had never been so happy in my life. Granted there were many days I would leave the office in tears (I worked for the devil) but this was the job I was born to do. After being with this company for around two years I finally had a following. Clients would request me. Refer me to their friends! I was making more money then I knew what to do with and doing something I would have done for free. How great is that!

Designing people's spaces is a tricky balance of budget and ego. Clients usually have champagne taste and a beer budget. Design is all about the presentation. Let the client lead you (or feel like they are leading you) figure out how to read what they really want (because they won't actually tell you) and figure out that the budget they have given you is not really what they want to spend, all while trying not to kill your project manager.

So one day a client comes in with her husband. The husbands rarely ever came. But when it was time to talk money, they were always there. So the husband sees what I have put together. The wife is ooo-ing and ahhh-ing. Gushing over the "materials" part of my presentation and the husband tries to see if this 20something actually knows her stuff. "So walk me through a bowl of cereal" he says. He's one of those engineer types we all dread but I was ready. We sat for the next what seemed to be an hour, talking about all of the necessities for making a bowl of cereal. Where the bowls were kept, is the cereal close enough to the spoons and so on. He was sold. I had so well planned the function of his space, he was ready to sign on the dotted line. Gosh I loved my job!

While the economy takes a plunge so does the design industry. I moved on from that firm to a firm here in Boston. Hoping for another challenge in life. I have since been laid off again. Looking back I have still not been as fulfilled as I was back then. I would not change my time in Boston for anything but I can not wait for the day I can be as proud of what I do and who I am as I was back then.

The life of a dog...

So it's currently 8:30 pm on a Tuesday it's snowing, I'm freezing (not uncommon) and I just managed to get home from work. I am a mid-afternoon captive of the MBTA for about 45 minutes to an hour to get to work on time. I have had a weird day, filled with missing the redline T by about 20 seconds, catching the next one only to have that one get stopped for a "random" security sweep and then finally get to the office about 20 minutes late.

Once entering the office, oddly thrilled to have actually arrived, I sit at my desk and.......nothing. DAMNIT! They have deleted me. There goes my day! I can't get on to any computer. You see, I do NOT work at Fort Knox, but apparently terrorists can take over the world with educational tools? One would assume (and yes, I do know that is always a bad decision) that working in a tech support department...perhaps someone could give me back my access so I can justify my existence????

Anywho...so after a day filled with cosmic signs to "stay in bed - don't even attempt to leave the house". I finally make it home. Where I am greeted by the most wonderful sight. My exceptionally lazy Golden Retriever hauling her plump self off couch. I can almost hear her saying "I did my job. Couch is warm". Now to get the full mental image you have to understand; I have had her for about 2 years now. She is around nine or ten years old and I rescued her from a rather miserable life of beatings and starvation. I had her for about two weeks before she "named herself". The agency had called her "Peaches". Really??? Who does that to a dog???

I believe it was the first time she fell. Over nothing. Literally nothing. Just fell. She falls up the stairs, she falls down the stairs. She turns her head too fast...WHACK! right into the wall....she falls out of the car, backwards and lays there with all fours up in the air like an awkward turtle. She falls out of bed. I catch her just sitting in the corner staring at the wall...ummmm...ok???? So right then and there Dazie was named. I thought at first maybe she was blind or maybe deaf...I can be right next to her calling her name and nothing. She truly is special....maybe that is what makes her so wonderful.

On this particular day, I get home as she is trying her best to get her old bones up, do her typical nose to tail stretch and gently hop off the couch. It is apparent by the condition of the rest of the house and her food and water bowl that she has most likely been there all day. Lucky dog. She walks slowly over to the door and greets me. When she is happy to see you but doesn't want to waste what little energy she has, she gets what I have affectionately called the "propeller tail" going. It looks just like that. The propeller on an old prop airplane. Instead of the typical back and forth excitement of a "typical dog", her tail goes slowly in circles like she is winding up for something. This is her superpower.

No matter how.....interesting.... my day has been, walking in the door and seeing Dazie waiting patiently for me to get home just makes it all worth it. I am very sure that on several occasions this blog will be filled with the odd adventures, rants and raves that follow my days with Daz!

Day One.....Why am I doing this again?

So here I am finding the need to be expressive. In the past couple of days I have learned a lot about myself. Mostly, when I have something to say...I just have to get it out there. So this is the name of my new blog.

I have been told on more than one occasion that I should hit the road on a comedy tour. I was also asked if I had given any though to writing. Hummmm.... Maybe this is just what I needed? I promise, this will get funny. Not at the moment though. That's just not where the past few weeks have left me. I guess the bizarre things that happen around me, to me or that I manage to get myself into are just hilarious or that I try to find humor in everything to avoid loosing my mind. My latest adventure is one of......I fight to not use the word "epic" proportions... but it is really the best word for the situation. So this lesson as I am going to, from now on, refer to as the "event" is not one based on the hilarious nature of life, just the basis for which I am starting to blog.

I often pride myself in being outspoken. That is a bit of a double edge sword. As much as I am blunt, I can sometimes be harsh in my truths. I have been putting a real effort into saying things in a manner that will not leave the mental image of comic strip "pealing tires" in my head. Basically said: I'm really trying not to piss people off. I seem to be failing in this new character building exercise because in this attempt I am actually loosing the ability to communicate. I am, far too often, leaving people scratching their heads saying "What the hell was that girl trying to say? I want that 5 minutes of my life back!"

So in this "event" I got myself, unknowingly, in the middle of two people. I will refrain from details because that is not the relevant information here. The interesting portion, or the part that made me pay closer attention to myself is that while trying to do the right thing and confess my sins, I had sugar coated the things I didn't want to say so much that my point never actually got out there! Where is it that "I" have gone? I guess I need to get back out the "bitch boots" to go along with the "big girl pants" I was told I needed. (Yes Patty, this one's for you=) Have I gone soft in my old age? Have I been beaten down so much that I am afraid to say what needs to be said? Hurmph....not liking this so much.

Something else that I knew about myself but had not actually seen in full force in quite sometime...I am extremely defensive when it comes to my honesty. If I am being called a liar to my face, I will fight to the death to prove that what I am saying is the truth. At the very least the truth as I see it. There are two sides to every story, but when hard facts are involved, no matter how bad telling the truth may make me look, I will tell it. It is much easier to beg for forgiveness when screwing up than it is to get caught in a lie. I treat honesty as a sign of friendship. I once read and now live by "I'm not sure what hurts the most; being lied to or knowing you weren't worth enough to be told the truth" The ability to admit when you have screwed up is is truest and most wonderfully humbling experiences and shows a true vulnerability and openness in a relationship. Oh crap...I have gone soft.....

In this incident it was not the outcome that so much mattered to me. I was truly the idiot that got herself stuck smack in the middle. It was more that I was told if I was believed, that "X" would happen. My curiosity for knowing if or not "X" happened was based on my need to be believed. It is entirely possible I got a little carried away by the end......

In an effort to not need people to buy a map, a compass, a full set of cliff notes and a box of bread crumbs (just incase) I will now try harder to be clear AND polite...crap...now it is in writing...I think I may be in trouble here ;)