The smell of low tide....

I know I said there would be more blogs about me and my trusty side kick. It seems as though she had other plans. My heart hurts more than I thought it would.

Yesterday at about 10 am Dazie past away. It was quick. If she ever felt any pain, she never gave me any clues. She was always the most happy dog I had ever seen. So now, I'm going to tell you the story of the little girl who saved my life.....

In January of 2007 when my life had fallen apart around me and I was sad all of the time I decided I needed someone to share my life with. I had spent a bit over a year with an ex-boyfriends dog and was missing that fuzzy element in my life. I must have seen 6 dogs while waiting to hear back about Dazie. At the time she was called "Peaches" (Who does that to a dog) Her cute little face. I fell in love with her just in a picture. When I finally heard from the folks at the rescue shelter that had her I knew she would be the girl for me. We made an appointment for a home visit on a Saturday morning. From the moment she got to my house, she never left. She was mine and I was hers.

I know I have said time and time again that I don't like children but I can relate. She came to me a scarred little girl. Someone had beaten and starved her to a tiny 55 lbs. She would barely let anyone touch her. It was a rough first few months. If you were one of the few who heard that heartbreaking squeal when she was scared you would know instantly she had been through something awful. I spent our time together trying to teach her that there were good people in the world. People who would love her. Spoil her. Play with her. Be kind and not scary. She had never played before. She had no idea what to do with toys. It took a bit, but at least at one point she would chase a ball and jump on it like she had found something great. She had an inner soccer player I think. No way was she putting that ball in her mouth. Not my girl. Only when she wanted to lie down and chew on it.

She wouldn't bark. At all. It was not until 6 months in that a fire truck drive by my house and she let out this Chewbacka wail that I knew she had it in her. From that point on I was going to teach this dog to bark! And I did. She and I would chase each other around the house, playing hide and seek barking at each other.

By the time she passed on, strangers could walk up to her and pet her. She was a completely different girl than the one I had met just a few years earlier. Without her, my life would have taken a very different path. There were days that I had to fight just to get out of bed and I did it for her. I knew she needed me so come hell or high water I would make her live better than it was. She was getting everything she deserved. No dog should ever feel like the qualities that make them dogs are wrong. Dogs should bark and run and play. That is what they do! My girl was never allowed to do that. I am glad to know that the years I had her with me she got to be a dog. I very spoiled dog and a member of my family. Though I do not live near my parents she was a member of their family as well. My dad had built her a step stool and a bench seat for riding around in his truck. When it was Grampa time with Dazie, she went everywhere with him. She even went into a doctors office with him! She instantly had the heart of anyone who met her.

It is hard to sit here, on "her couch" under "her blanket" and have there not be any fur on it. I keep looking up and expecting to see her. Just pouring coffee this morning made me burst into tears. Typically I would prop open the back door to let her roam the yard, grab the coffee and wander around the yard with her. I will miss her stinky low tide breath waking me up in the morning. It was tough sleeping last night and actually having space in my bed. It was "her bed" I was just allowed to borrow a corner.

As much as I will miss her. I am glad she did not suffer. The vet seamed to think she had an undiagnosed heart condition. I like to think that her heart was just too big fer her chest. I know that dogs are not deep and intellectual and quite frankly neither am I, but if she had deep thoughts I'm sure she knew that I was ready to let her go. I too have come along way. She knew I would not be alone anymore. I have the life I always wanted and I would keep on living it. I have the love and support of my family and great friends that will keep me going.

Dazie, you were my guardian angel. I wish I could have done more for you. Had I known yesterday was your last day I surely would have given you my pizza you were begging for. But then again, you knew that. I will always love you my sweet little girl. Rest in peace.

Leather pants and beer.....

To be honest, I'm surprised I slept at all last night. I usually don't when I'm upset or anxious about something. The night before Opening Day at Fenway, I didn't sleep a wink!

As anyone who reads my silly little blog, you have to realize it is what I claim it to be and nothing more. It's an open forum to vent and get things off my chest. Depending on the situation, just talking about it makes me feel better.

That is why what happened hurts so much. Someone. The Someone. Is gone. The reason for my semi calm nature during this whole house buying experience is no longer part of my life. It is funny because I am willing off the thought that if we were still speaking I would be telling him of the 7:30 am wake up call of my neighbor having his driveway jack hammered. Yep, you heard me. I thought the house was coming down. I bit of warning would have been nice! Perhaps he would have been here and I could have laughed about it; instead of calling the town to see what ungodly hour construction was allowed to begin here. Calmer heads did not prevail this morning.

Oddly enough it is not really about him. It's about me. (I admit, I threw out the "it's not you it's me" just now) It is more about the how and why and the continuous hurtful nature of the guys I meet. At the bare minimum at least this one didn't lie to me and about me, he just decided to take an opportunity and blame it on booze. I am a silly drunk. Not that it happens all that much. I tend to giggle a lot and do stupid things. Even in my drunkest moments I have never done something that I know would hurt someone else. I guess that people's true personality comes out when they are uninhibited. I honestly thought he was a good guy. It is amazing how one night can ruin it all.

Oh well. Plenty of Fish in the sea.....right?

I have a DATE!

Ha,ha....not that kind of date...a closing date! So much better than boys! Looks like on June 5th I will officially be a homeowner! Then the fun begins! I get to rip things apart, tear down walls, rip up stinky carpet, get rid of morgue lights (those old florescent boxes that make everyone look dead) and some 1976 wood paneling. I'm even trying my hand at some sheet rocking (thank you Steve~I hope you are a patient man)

Yellow laminate countertops will be a thing of the past (oh wait...)

This has been a bit of a rocky road. I feel like all I have been doing lately is eating, sleeping, working and yelling at people. Who knew you had to call a bank every day to get them to take your deposit? It took speaking with a lovely woman while almost in tears to get anyone to listen to me.

It also seemed like every time I actually found the time, energy and good mood to go out....my landlord (the seller) knew. I think she was raining on my parade for sport. I would be dressed and ready to head out to have some much deserved fun and there she was; on the phone or worse....on the porch! I think she is the reason I drink. I know she is the reason I fear going home.

But it looks like it is all starting to pay off. I feel better. Calmer. Like I'm getting somewhere. For the most part, I have done this by myself. While working full time. Think it sounds easy? Try it. I dare you. I have been lucky this time around though. I have someone in my life at the moment that has been a bit of a source of sanity. Someone I can go to when I need advise and can help steer me in the right direction. He has yet to fail me with his advise and recommendations. I have gotten complements from my two best girlfriends when they would ask how things are going....and they often were not going well.....that I was oddly calm. I have someone to blame for that. It has been great. I would have lost my mind. Seriously. Gone.

Thank You Someone. Maybe someday I can repay the favor.

Irish temper flaring....

I finally did it. I stood up for myself!

I got a call from my landlord this morning saying that basically she was "disappointed" that I went on vacation....REALLY!! What? Seems like after all of the "hurry up and wait" I have been doing to try and get this house stuff in order is not working for her. I got an earful this morning about me not moving at the appropriate speed.

When the time comes that I have control over the speed and way other people do things...my life will be much happier. I can only make a bank process paperwork so quickly. I can't make people return my phone calls and i am certainly not purchasing something as huge as a house unless it is inspected.

Threats...ya, those don't work. You tell me that if I don't sign paperwork by mid week you are putting the house on the market. GO FOR IT! Pushing is not the way to get me to do things. She hasn't even completely moved all of her crap out!!! Which was a fact I was finally able to point out.

I'm thrilled I told her in no uncertain terms to BACK OFF! Let me tell you....I couldn't be happier. This woman has been giving me the runaround since I moved in here....that felt damn good! If this ruins my ability to get this house. I'm fine with that. I'm done letting her push me around! I can live peacefully with my decision and now have the gut feeling that this is going to get very messy from here.....

More to come as the story unfolds.....

Freakout moment...

So I talked to the bank about the house and filled out the paperwork for the pre approval. I am "conditionally approved" basically I look good on paper. Excellent! Step in the right direction!

............maybe.


Is this what I really want? Am I ready to actually settle down? It's kind of weird doing this all alone this time. In the same thought; it's mine. All mine. No one is going to fight me out of this house. If this gets fucked up...I did it. No one else. Gulp!

At least I can get rid of the deck of death and the stinky carpet soon!!!

Optimistically Cautious....

Ok, I admit it. I'm a bit freaked out. I'm not exactly a glass half empty person but I am aware that if dropped...glass breaks! A realist of sorts. I weigh the options. Plan out the worst case scenario. I gave the whole jumping in thing a try a couple months back and it blew up in my face.

Fast forward to now. Got the pieces back together and headed back out. Feeling a bit braver and looking for greatness. "Take a few new risks" I say. At least I can have a few hilarious stories for the blog. I usually have the best ones about my run ins with guys. I have met some rather interesting folks in my pursuit of "someone".

Brief recap: there was the emotionally unavailable train wreck I was seeing when I moved to Boston. Great guy but some girl broke him. That was a whole lot of fun.... Then I give online dating a try. What the heck else do you do in a new town when you don't know anyone? There was the socially retarded writer that took me all of three minutes to want to actually consider a bathroom window escape. SPEAK! Use your words! I can talk to myself at home! Then was the guy who liked my shoes more than me....hummm. Really? Some day he's going to wake up and realize just how great other guys are and will live happily ever after. He actually out witted me and got me to go out with him for a second date. He used reason against me. I can be such a sucker for a challenge. Next, I met the jobless, functional alcoholic. Breaking up with him was like trying to nail jello to a tree! A couple meaningless flings and a few false starts later and I'm back to looking.....

I made the decision that dating with in "the group" is not the best idea. When it fizzles you are kind of stuck with that person. I am done with the awkward silences. The "what's going on with those two" whispers. Here I am back in the online dating thing. I was expecting a few bad dates. Some "quiet" evenings. Some dirty old men looking for a thirty something by pretending to be at least a decade younger.....Here's the weird part. I met a, dare I say, quality person. Not a hundred percent this is the guy for me, but a normal person. Job, car, house, looks, personality, responsible, and actually understands and shares my sense of humor? Really? Who would have thunk? Certainly not me.....

Oh no, I'm not quite done yet! The job situation is getting weirder. I was offered a job today. That in itself is a story for another day (and perhaps a continuing saga). I did mostly turn the job down based on the fact that it was a start up company. The man had big dreams. I give him credit but I just don't know if I can go along for the ride. We may work out a freelance option but I have to give this one some more thought. Looking through my portfolio again today and giving the same schpeel again makes me miss designing so much. I was damn good at my job. I'm not very cocky about much but this I can't help myself. I miss the adrenaline of the sale. I think half of the fun today was selling this guy on hiring me.

I'm sitting here on the couch trying to process all of this and figure out what I want to do and the phone rings. Oh yes, there is more to my day! My landlord is on the phone. Seems as though all of the stress she has been causing me about this house, well, she has changed her mind! WOW! She and I had an agreement when I moved in that I was going to buy this house. I had a budget. She agreed. Then she decided to raise the price 30K. There went that plan. Today~she calls and offers me the house for the original price and she wants to get the paperwork under way the beginning of the week.

I could be wrong but I think my brain might just explode. Can I have this much happiness going on all at the same time? Good Luck getting to sleep tonight......

A woman's right to shoes.....

I have been thinking about this blog a lot lately. I want to write but I have no "theme" no inspiration. Does a blog really need a theme? No, not really. Maybe it's just my OCD kicking in again. I need organization. A clear path. Some way to form my thoughts. Then one night while half paying attention it came to me. Carrie Bradshaw is a genius! I usually end up turning on the tv at around 11 in my room and falling asleep to it. This night, for some reason or another I am wide awake and all I can find amusement in is an old episode of Sex and the City. One line. In one show. Could that really be what I was after?

"The fact is, sometimes it's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes. That's why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun."

Nothing has ever made more sense. Combine my love of shoes with a life's lesson. Hummmm. Who woulda thought? It is very hard to be a single woman in your early thirties without even the prospect of that changing anytime soon. I do silly and frivolous things in hopes that they will bring me some joy. Most often they make no sense to anyone but me. Honestly....I don't care!

It is time to take some chances. Get out there and be a little selfish. I can't complain about my life not being the way I want it. That just means I'm not trying hard enough! I think this blog has found its direction. I'm getting out there...I'm going to be doing stuff. Silly stuff. And you all get to come along for the ride.

Hold on. It may get a little bumpy!